Holding Boundaries and Assertiveness

Trying to keep the peace…

You get along well with almost everyone. You are the peacemaker and the people-pleaser. Most of the time, that works really well for you.

Then comes a conflict – a need for confrontation.

You’re getting nervous just reading this.

In anticipation of this confrontation, you play out every scenario. You consider all your feelings about the matter and imagine all the other person’s feelings and responses.

You know you need “healthy boundaries,” but what does that mean?

Most of the time, you just give in to what the other person wants.

Sometimes, you fight for what you want, but that has come at a huge cost. Or you have waited for so long that you just ended the relationship because you were never able to assert yourself in time when you felt the changes could have been made. And, sometimes, strong anger comes out that scares you.

You’re running out of options…

You thought this struggle showed up in just one area of your life – maybe work, romantic relationships, or friendships – though now you see that it affects every area.

The options are narrowing – you can forever become a chameleon trying to please everyone and find that “perfect” individual with whom you will never have conflict.

Or you can be alone forever. You’re starting to think that would just be easier.

You often get hurt when you don’t set or maintain boundaries.

If you put rigid walls around yourself, you can suffer from isolation.

Other signs of boundary struggles could be holding resentments, having distorted or non-existent spirituality, avoiding reality (for example, through compulsive behaviors), or having difficulty sustaining intimacy.

These difficulties can reflect a disconnection from yourself.

Part of yourself has to shut down when you concede repeatedly or when you put up walls to protect yourself. Likely, you learned to disconnect long ago because the pain of speaking your truth in a way that was not received or honored was too much to handle. Now… the pain of not speaking your truth is becoming that way.

An unspoken belief has permeated society that setting boundaries are mean and harsh and that we are required to be “nice” to others. But what does that really mean?

Let’s, for a second, consider that boundaries create safety.

If a small child is shown the yard’s boundaries (and even has them fenced in, depending on age), it creates safety because leaving that area could be dangerous to one who is not equipped to manage outside of those bounds. Similarly, a fenced-in boundary for an older teenager can be oppressive when they are equipped to lengthen the boundary.

Emotional and physical boundaries work the same way.

It creates safety in relationships, allowing one to see what area is their responsibility and what area is not. Consider the yard again… knowing where the property line ends is helpful because it shows you what part of your land you need to tend. If you regularly water your neighbor’s lawn, they will stop doing it themselves. It may feel nice initially though it often will become a burden and lead to resentment if or when it is time to adjust the arrangement. Now you may have a neighbor who actually does need help watering their yard. But if your default is to water the lawn of everyone you interact with, you will eventually be overwhelmed, and your garden will likely suffer.

Anger is useful in this process as it is often an indicator of a need for a boundary.

One nice thing that many do not realize is that we can feel and allow the anger to move when we are not in the presence of the person we need to confront. Once anger has moved in a clean way – not at someone, not hurting self or others, not breaking objects – there is often clarity and motivation about what boundaries must be set and what steps must be taken.

This, my friend, is the authentic you. Setting boundaries, then, is a way to assert our worth and value, and conversely, feeling our worth and value helps us set boundaries with greater ease. It becomes a rewarding cycle.

We are all born valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, depending (needing and wanting), and immature. When these attributes and needs are not honored and met appropriately, it can lead to struggles with self-esteem, boundaries, assertiveness, and self-expression.

Here’s how I can help…

I provide a safe, nurturing environment where you can explore your past and how it’s created some of your present-day struggles with holding boundaries and being assertive.

This is a place where you can touch your fears and anger to begin to explore what it feels like to have a boundary that does not feel overly loose or overly rigid.

Here is a freebie you can try on your own: If you are thinking about a person or situation that causes discomfort and you notice the desire to get space from them, hold your hands up and feel what it feels like to have that boundary. Taking it a step further, say “no” or “stop” and notice what happens in your body after you say that.

As people recount events like this, their hands often indicate a pushing away or pushing back. That is where we would pause, in real-time, and allow your hands to feel the boundary that some part of your nervous system wants to feel.

There is a fear that we need to be nice or compassionate – if we set boundaries, we will no longer be ‘nice.’ In reality, I notice that once someone can feel the anger, feel the boundary, and notice the relief, compassion naturally shows up. It’s just another step in the process that will get wonky if done out of order.

And these shifts create space for a new way of doing. When you can feel your anger, feel the boundary, and release the anger, there is clarity and motivation to go out and set them. This becomes a natural, not forced, next step.

There are often fears that come up in setting boundaries and concerns about how that will shift the relational dynamics, which are valid. However, if you never speak your truth, do you really have a relationship with them? 

It’s time to put yourself first.

Jean Vanier, who created a community for those with physical and mental disabilities, pointed out that loving others entails more than just doing for them. It’s about saying to someone else with your attitude – which can be more significant than your words – “You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself.”

This is the message of healthy boundaries.

If you’re ready to move beyond losing yourself or putting up walls and ready to give yourself a chance to show up. If you are excited, there is another way to approach conflict in a healthy and assertive way. If you’re ready to feel your worth and value and subsequently live from that place, let’s do this.

Call me today for a complimentary 20-minute phone call: (651) 412-3247.

Let’s see if we are a good fit, and I can answer any questions you may have.