Going Back to Go Forward
We all regress all the time.
It simply means feeling little, feeling small.
We can think about it as a gap between what is happening and how we respond. It feels bigger, or like something terrible is happening, that is not happening in this moment.
This can show up as a thought, a feeling, or a bodily reaction. And often, underneath, there is a specific memory or group of memories wanting to be felt and worked through.
A woman feels her body recoiling and sadness welling up when she drives past the hospital where her brother died.
A boss may feel nauseous and weak in the knees after firing an intimidating employee.
A man wants to quit the 5k he signed up for because he looks at the other runners, judges himself not good enough, and starts to believe that he will not be able to finish.
This is helpful to be aware of because it can be disorienting when our reactions are so strong. It is also helpful because when you are in a space to pause and notice the feeling associated with your reaction, it will often transport you back to the cause. And that we can work with.
I see three types of regressions…
Pleasant…
Think of yourself walking into a coffee shop and recalling nourishing coffee dates with friends.
Unpleasant…
Have you ever heard a song that reminds you of an ex, making you feel a bit uncomfortable?
Traumatic…
These can range from flashbacks, panic attacks, freezing, outbursts of anger, or a strong desire to leave.
Individuals who have experienced car crashes tend to have similar reactions. Say that their car was hit on the driver’s side – they may over-focus on it each time they drive, unconsciously anticipating another crash. Or they may focus on the passenger side to “avoid” the crash that their nervous system anticipates. Both reactions put the individual at risk in real-time.
It’s the traumatic type that we’ll address in therapy…
Traumatic regressions are interesting because they often involve attempts to say or do something you could not do during the original experience.
Here is a great example…
A woman cuts vegetables in her kitchen, and her husband watches. She snaps at him, “What is it? What do you want?!”
He is taken aback and tells her, “You look beautiful. I was just enjoying looking at you.”
She pauses. It dawns on her that her reaction was bigger than what she would expect for that situation.
We later processed that event in therapy, and I asked her: “How old do you feel when you think about that experience – when you snapped at your husband?”
“About five years old,” she quickly responded.
I followed up: “Well, did anything happen when you were five?”
She paused and remembered that she had stayed with her aunt and uncle that summer. As she talked about it, she started to feel tightness in her chest, and her face winced. She shared that when she woke up in the mornings, her uncle was often sitting at the foot of the bed… watching her.
I asked what she would have said to her uncle at that moment had she been able. And she replied:
What is it? What do you want?!
Right then, as she connected the dots, she felt a surge of energy course through her arms, softening into gentle warmth.
Once their “survival energy” is released…
These events can go back to the past, where they belong.
And later, when you recall the event, it won’t have the same charge and discomfort.
Within this frame, you can think of unpleasant feelings as GIFTS because they offer you an opportunity to release that energy.
And when you have this mindset, you disrupt your body’s automatic REACTION to these kinds of events, giving you the freedom to RESPOND more compassionately – with yourself and others.
Maybe you don’t remember what happened…
That’s okay. Your body does. Have you ever said to yourself…
I just need to let that go.
You’re right! Your nervous system is holding onto some part of that experience (and other stuff you’re probably not consciously aware of) and is waiting to be let go.
Things that trigger you – that frustrating coworker, the things your kids do to set you off, your pet peeves, that recurring pain – it’s all linked to the feelings or experiences you’ve had in the past that weren’t dealt with… that were stored in your nervous system and now just sit there, waiting to be released.
The intellect is one of many ways we have to help us work through our stuff – we can also focus on our feelings, sensations, behaviors, and images (memories, metaphors, etc.).
There are a few reasons we may not remember a past trauma – it occurred when we were very young, it happened frequently, or it is our way of protecting ourselves.
This work can be done with or without a specific memory. The trauma is held in the body. Given the right circumstances, the body knows how to release it. There needs to be a willingness to trust in that innate wisdom.
Take the next step…
Whether or not you want to regress, you will do it.
Your unfelt feelings can lead to all sorts of symptoms, from anger to depression, anxiety to sadness, compulsive behaviors, and disconnected relationships.
If you’re ready to go back in a meaningful way and have a new experience with those feelings, do so in a way that will not overwhelm you but rather show you your strength and resilience. In this process, the past stops running your life and can go back to the past where it belongs. I am excited. This is why I’m here.
Call today to get started: (651) 412-3247. I offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation to answer questions and determine if we are a good fit for working together.