Anxiety and Depression

It’s not just in your head…

When you’re suffering from anxiety, you feel it in your body, too…

Tension, trembling, and agitation…

Restlessness… difficulty sleeping…

Those jittery feelings in your chest, stomach, and gut…

You’re getting revved up – even if you don’t have a place to go.

And when you’re depressed…

The self-directed feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and hatred hit you in the gut.

You’re exhausted even though it appears that you’re “doing nothing.” Simply getting through the day takes all the energy you have.

The heaviness on your chest and the deep despair just won’t let up.

Emotions are like lights on a dashboard.

If we know what the light is telling us, we can meet the need and get the light to turn off. But if we don’t meet the need… or do something that “puts it off,”… it’s like putting a piece of electrical tape over that “check engine” light.

It might seem like you’ve solved the problem, but this “temporary fix” doesn’t get at the issue underneath.

Sometimes the lights indicate something you know you need to address. You just do not know how. The lack of knowledge can lead to procrastination which can persist until the issue is dealt with.

Other times, the anxiety could result from something you are unaware of. For example, you may have painful conversations with your partner, leaving you feeling sad. Underneath that sadness could be anger which may indicate a clear boundary you need to set. Feeling that anger and setting that boundary seem too daunting, and so instead, there develops anxiety around more challenging conversations with your partner.

Well-meaning friends will tell you you just need to get out more, so you do but end up feeling just as bad, if not worse, after going out. You’ve tried medications, and while some help a little, you’re not too excited about the slew of side effects that could come with trying another medication. You thought it would help if you changed scenery – maybe you are in a new relationship, got a new job, and moved to a new place, but the depression is still there.

Depression can be viewed as a safety mechanism our nervous systems have to prevent something from overwhelming us. Our bodies will send out subtle signals when there is a need, and if it is not met, it increases the intensity of the signal. If that persists, eventually, it will shut down as a form of protection. However, this can be understood as a car that has the gas and the brakes on at the same time. That requires a lot of energy and can take a toll on the system.

You’re not alone in this. Let me help…

Uncovering the underlying causes of your worries and fears…

I worked with a mother whose child was biting other children. Initially, she had a great deal of fear around not knowing how to address this and despairing that it would have dire consequences. When she was able to feel the fear and not be overcome by it, she noticed and connected with the resources around her (the school team, other parents, books) and developed a plan that benefited her child and decreased her anxiety.

This also showed that she gets highly triggered when she feels out of control and “does not know what to do.” That reminded her of being a young child in a chaotic household where she actually was out of control and did not know what to do. She started to recognize that connection and heal that wound by offering herself the care and compassion that she did not always receive when she was young. Now, that trigger does not happen as often and is not as intense. She can take the space to understand her needs in the situation – sometimes just validation of whatever feelings are coming up in the situation – she can connect with her agency and no longer feel out of control.

Paying attention to what the signals are telling you…

I will help you become more comfortable FEELING these feelings.

Interestingly, the resistance to our feelings, rather than the feelings themselves, makes them so scary. I use titration, a concept taken from chemistry. Do you know what happens if you mix hydrochloric acid and lye? You get an explosion. However, if you do it one drop at a time, you will have mini-explosions resulting in water and table salt. We will slowly touch into the feelings, which increases your capacity to touch into larger ones as you increase your comfort with them without the chaotic explosions.

When you can feel these feelings, you can find a different, more satisfying response.

Our feelings and sensations are meant to rise and fall like a bell curve. However, our nervous systems try to protect us when they get to a certain threshold (based on experience) and will shut them down or cause them to explode. When they can move as they are designed, they actually give way to an inner wisdom that clarifies the need and a satisfying way to respond. It happens naturally, and it comes from you.

I worked with someone who identified people-pleasing as an issue. She had an encounter during our work with a friend with whom she had trouble with boundaries and was trying to end the friendship and please her at the same time. As we talked about an unreasonable request from this person, my client blurted out, “Barf, I wanted to punch her in the face.” This was out of character for her, and she felt shame. If we continued in the normal pattern, she would feel the shame until it felt unbearable, then push it down and talk about something else – possibly how to have a boundary with this friend in the least confrontational way possible.

Instead, we paused and felt what happened in her body after she said that. She leaned into the “barf” feeling, which felt like nausea in the pit of her stomach. As she noticed it, she had the image of herself lunging forward like a tiger. She allowed herself to move forward, and as she did that, her hands started to come up. In that moment, it was clear to her that she wanted to set a boundary to protect herself rather than actually harm this individual. She felt into what it was like to imagine a physical boundary surrounding her and her own ability to protect herself with her hands up, giving way to a release and a tingly feeling. The shame was gone. This clarified for her that she wanted more space from this individual rather than continued engagement at that time.

Seeing situations in a new, less frightening way…

When you can lean into the resistance of the emotion, you can begin to feel it. Fear resisted has a way of making things larger. If you believe there is a monster in your closet, it grows and becomes more heinous. If you lean into the fear and open the closet door, the fear monster disintegrates.

In this work, we do not dive into the closet. We start with checking out what is going on outside the house and retreating until we feel safe to enter the house, then approach the bedroom, then the closet. You can retreat each time you need. By the time you enter the closet, you will be ready to address whatever is there. I don’t want to downplay that sometimes there really are skeletons. However, I also trust you have what is needed to approach it when you are ready and come out on the other side.

Learning to relax…

Anxiety in the mind tells us we are under threat. Anxiety in the emotional realm tells us that we have an unmet need. Anxiety in the body is felt as constriction. It may seem like the goal is to get rid of anxiety, but it is the pathway to joy when it is embraced, experienced, and clarifies the unmet need coupled with increased empowerment to know you can meet your needs.

In our work, we will approach all three aspects – we will learn to challenge the story that we are under threat. We will learn to feel the anxiety to understand the need. We will also learn ways to touch into and tolerate constriction, which increases your ability to relax.

Developing better coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills…

As you have a new relationship with anxiety and depression, you will naturally increase your ability to cope and solve problems. You have the answers to your problems. You can cope. If anything, you have been coping too well, and there is a letting go that will free you from the patterns you are stuck in.

Giving you the support you need during these troubling times…

There is a recipe for transformation: commitment, courage, capabilities, and confidence. You commit – something is not working, and you want it to change. Then it requires courage – which is not the absence of fear but rather the willingness to push forward with the fear. I join you in this. I remind you when courage is needed and when you are living in courage.

Through this process, you start to increase your capabilities.

Before I did this work myself, I initially thought that my past did not influence my present. That started to shift, but only intellectually. I knew that my past was impacting the present, but I did not know how or what to do about that.

As you increase in your ability to feel your emotions, move through them, loving, and embracing the resistance that inevitably will come up, you begin to clarify how and what the past is saying right now, which then decreases its power.

All of this will result in your confidence in doing this on your own!

That was a lot to take in.

Take a moment to pause and feel if you have fear (which is the same coin as excitement), shame, defeat, intrigue – all of these are signs that something is stirring.

Commit to courageously feeling your feelings in a new way, listen to your mind and your body, have a new experience with your anxiety or depression, and get out of this stuck pattern.

Call me today at (651) 412-3247. I offer a complimentary 20-minute phone call where you can answer any questions you may have, and we can determine whether we’re a good fit.

You can gain the confidence to live the life you want to live. I am ready to join you on that journey!