Compulsive Behavior and Codependency Liberation
People often come to me when they are stuck in a pattern.
Like things that were fun when you were younger are starting to feel unhealthy…
You’re aware that your vice of choice has increased in amount and frequency. You’re painfully aware that this is no longer social for you.
Food has become such a big part of your coping that you’re not sure the last time you felt hungry, and you do not know you’re full until you’re sick.
Or mindless behaviors…
You will do anything to avoid your feelings and your experiences.
Constantly checking your phone, running from one thing to the next, making sure everything is “just right” in your home, in your appearance, and you crash at the end of the day by binge-watching TV only to do it all over again the next day.
You’re telling yourself these behaviors are not unhealthy because they’re productive, but you know that there is something you’re avoiding.
Or painful, unhealthy relationships…
It’s hard to see what is happening because you’re in it.
The satisfying relationships are intense but also come at a huge cost.
You’re not sure how you keep entering into the same fights, but you are again.
To not feel your feelings, you try to control someone else’s. Or you try to get someone else to save you from your own. If it works, it is only temporary and often leads to resentment and further disconnection.
You have tried being honest. You have tried keeping your distance, but either way, you are not connecting satisfyingly.
Or (and this is a big one) CODEPENDENCY…
What is it, anyway?
It’s when we take on other people’s emotions and “stuff.” I describe it as carrying someone else’s backpack (or feelings).
Often, we don’t know we’re doing it until we are so burdened that we can barely walk!
Then, you finally recognize you’re in it, and often you want to quit at that point. This is particularly challenging as some relationships are much harder than others to quit, and some you simply will not quit.
What if you could recognize it much sooner? The moment you’re trying to fix someone else’s issues is when you have moved beyond empathy – being with someone as they have their feelings – into a codependent or enmeshed pattern.
The curious thing about carrying someone else’s backpack is that we don’t have access to the contents inside. That’s why it’s hard to know which one is yours after a while, making it hard to give back OR put down.
Feelings that are not felt get stuffed.
Often, this happens when we are too young to deal with a particular feeling or when the situation is too scary for us to feel our way through it. This is very protective and beneficial though it can often wear out its welcome.
Thus, our innate desire for healing shows up. We unintentionally seek out situations to have a chance to feel those feelings fully and no longer be bound by them.
When we recall painful experiences, we start to enter into the feelings of them.
One way you may have learned to manage is to never speak about it and thus avoid the unpleasant experience of feeling it.
However, we cannot always avoid being triggered, so we learn management strategies to shut out any emotions we may have – alcohol, food, sex, screens. Unfortunately, since the feelings are still there, we develop a tolerance and need more and more of the substance or behavior to get the same effect.
Another way is to quickly speak of it, touch into its feelings, and thus experience the relief of surviving the experience of talking about it. In essence, this is an attempt to desensitize yourself to it.
I can help you get out of these patterns…
We are hard-wired to seek safety and connection. So that is where I start. We get to know each other. In the safety and connection of our relationship, you can begin to feel those feelings.
The intellect helps create change. However, when we experience something for ourselves, it becomes real in a way that someone telling us about it cannot.
To feel differently, you need to feel differently.
“Stopping the stop”…
Unpleasant emotions carry with them their own fears. A fear with anger is that it will harm or destroy yourself or others if it is felt. A fear of sadness is that if it is felt, it will be unending. Fear of fear is that if it is felt, it will immobilize you.
The irony is that those fears can actually play out when these emotions are resisted.
Compulsive or codependent behaviors can be viewed as a way of managing the emotions that are underneath them. Thus, each time you engage in your unhealthy behavior of choice, it is an attempt to stop a feeling from happening.
In our work, we will stop the stop so something new can happen.
Going back to your original pain and need…
Often, in the process of stopping the stop, which is no longer trying to manage your feelings but rather feeling them instead, it becomes clear when those emotions are stuffed.
As you begin to feel them and release them, you start to trust your ability to have your emotions and not be overcome by them. This increases your resilience and your empowerment over your own life.
Finding what works for you…
If you take all your previous experiences in context – historical, familial, societal, personality traits, religious or spiritual upbringing – I will be bold to say all your behaviors make sense.
When something that overwhelms our systems happens, we need management strategies to survive. When we are away from the survival threat, there often comes a time when we are ready to go back and find ourselves.
When you loosen your grip on these unhealthy patterns…
…you’ll start to feel relief, which will let more joy into your life. You’ll begin to have a better connection with your feelings with less responsibility for the feelings of others.
And it often ends up beneficial for the other person, too.
It also conveys that you trust their abilities, giving you room to enter into a healthy relationship with that person.
I’ll be straight with you, though: It’s scary at first.
Management strategies – thus leading to a need for compulsive or codependent behaviors – are born out of situations where we are vulnerable and not in control. So, I appreciate that it feels scary to be asked to enter a space that feels out of control. However, we will approach your feelings slowly so that you learn to manage them as they come, which is more rewarding than you can ever imagine.
Aren’t you ready for a healthier life?
One where you can love yourself and hold to your boundaries?
I know you are, but we need to see what’s underneath for that to happen.
Let’s connect to make that a reality. Call today to schedule a free consultation: (651) 412-3247.